I  was this sweet and innocent girl since my childhood and everyone thinks that it is a good quality but such qualities did not last long and sometimes we are forced to pay heavy amounts for our innocence. I always appreciate girly things and I was a best example of being girly, I love to see models and beautiful girls all the time. I admire the beauty of every lady,  I have never seen any ugly lady and I think I  would never see one and that is a good thing I guess. I am not proud to say all this loud but I always feel uncomfortable when I am with some girl, I feel like I am naked and she can see everything through my thin linen. Our society do not accept the custom of homosexuality and they hushed it away all the time and may be that is why I  always tried my best to be straight and not make my parents ashamed of me. At first I used to think that all this thing was just my crazy mind and insecurity but now I  know that, I am not the culprit and it has nothing to do with me, it is all natural and I have accept what I am but this simple thing is more complicated than everything for my parents and they think that I am just confused and everything will come to senses to me. I would not deny that I have not tried everything possible so that I can change my interests but nothing has came to my rescue.

Whenever I have tried to talk to my parents about my secret but they have never been any support to me because they will change the topic the very instant and they thinks that it will help me anyhow but they are wrong but somewhere I do not blame them because  even its not their fault and I  have to deal with my own. And please do not misjudge me by thinking that I  might even think of being someone else or shall I  say being normal because I feel special and I know I will work it out. I never tried talking about it with my close friends too because I know how they will react and I  am not all ready for it but someday I will. Being an Indian and plus and homosexual is the most disadvantage as we all know how Indians are all husky about it but here again I do not blame them and I will come out to them as a proud individual when the time comes. I am just waiting for the right time to come and I know it would not come soon and it would not come at all if I would not try for it.

You must be taking as a very strong person but I have a closet full of skeletons and I am not proud of it and the worst of it was when I was in a relation with this sweet guy and I used him for my cause and I broke his heart into pieces. I know I have done wrong but I was naive and I was really clueless about everything, I was trying to find the true self and in the course I hurt someone cruelly. Rishi was my neighbor and my childhood friend. He is the most amazing person I have ever met and I doubt it I will ever. He used to understand me a lot but lied to him about my interest and that is how everything started. He used to be very caring towards me and I thought it might be the childhood bonding but I never thought that a different emotion was blooming inside him and above that I was giving the wrong impression to him by not letting him know what was i going through. Almost everybody knows that we were childhood friends and because of that fact, guys used  to approach him indirectly to make connections with me and that is the part where he hated most because he have not have confronted me for his feelings towards me so he cannot just say anything to those guys but when the process increases, he just want not able to keep it in himself and he asked me out for a normal dinner. My parents were quite familiar with him so I was given the permission easily. The night was so romantic and he planned everything romantically. I know him pretty well so I know that he was nervous about something and I made fun of him that he should be doing all this for his love and not for a friend like her.

He pulled out the chair for me and instead of taking the opposite chair, he knelled down and he was not making any eye-contact with me. I was totally clueless about what was happening and what else is going to happen but whatever was happening was pretty new for me. He said in the same familiar voice but there was a different vive which was making me uncomfortable but I just do not want to exaggerate, so I just stay calm and went with the flow. He said how our friendship is so special to him and he wants to take it to the next level, he did not pressed much on about his feelings and rather pressed upon the things that if I do not want all this then it’s perfectly ok with him and I should not cut-off with him because it will hurt him more than anything else. I was surprised to hear all that from him and while he was saying all this I so wish instead of him to be someone else, someone of my choice, some girl with dark eyes. But here I am totally helpless and Rishi is the most loveable person in my life and maybe he could change my interest because he knows me from childhood and maybe I am still confused of being gay, so he might bring me to the right tracks. I did not try thinking much at the very moment and literally did not want to hushed him off, I said yes and I know the happy face of him but there was a little difference in usual days and that day and that where I went wrong.

As the days went by he did every romantic thing a partner should do and I was only wishing to replace him with some girl of my choice. I was not at all thinking about the consequences that will haunt me forever. The situation became worse when his cousin sister came for summer vacation at his place and I felt for her. She has all the qualities that I admire and above all she has big dark eyes which I just cannot resist at any form. I began to visit his place quite often but I always spend time with Mancy and not with him, it was bothering him but he never question me for anything, he was just glad that we were together and I was taking advantage from it. Everything was going beautiful for me as Mancy used to love my company and he was quite fond of me and we would all that stuff I ever wanted to like, going for a romantic movie, eating dinner and sharing thoughts but here I have totally forgotten about Rishi.

There has to be an end for everything and so as mine lie to him and Mancy. It was late in the evening and I got a call from Mancy that nobody is home so lets watch some old movies with popcorn. I said yes without even a beep and I was already reaching for the door. She had already made the popcorn and was going through some old dvd's, we went for 'casablanca'. We started the movie and no one will believe me but I had the most tasty popcorn that day, I was just enjoying the moment and trying to make every second a memory. We were sitting so close to each other that I could feel her skin which was softer than a feather and her hair smells like roses, in conclusion I was not at all in my own control, I was just going with the flow and there I kissed her and from nowhere Rishi enters the room and left without a word.

I was so ashamed of my act that, I left the spot and cried out my eyes in my locked room. I did not went out of my room for almost a week and mom thought that it was my time of the month, so did not bothered me much. Today is saturday and Rishi has his football practise so I will be going there but I still am clueless and hopeless about what to say to him and why did I even lie to him as he was my best friend, I should have trusted him but I took the wrong path and today I am going to confess and ask for his forgiveness though I know I do not worth of anything from him except hatred but I will go and ask for forgiveness and then I will speak to my parents and tell them that now I am not going to hide my identity anymore and if the society do not accept me then it is their call...


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